Tired, angry and just plain confused.

Some of you on Facebook and Pets4Life know what I’ve been dealing with the last few days. This past Wednesday, I finally caught a kitty I’ve been feeding for about 4-5 months. It had been the only time she came close enough to me to allow me to try and grab her, and grab her I did.

I was so happy that day. I’d finally caught this kitten, who two times before I had thought she had died, only to have her appear a few days after. My happiness however was short lived, as I had taken her to the vet and they informed me she was FeLV positive. FeLV is a disease only cats that live outdoors catch, and it can be quite bad. Cats with this should not live in the same homes as cats that do not, in case anyone reading this doesn’t know, I have 5 cats already.

Thankfully, I was forwarded some information and decided to request that the vet send out for what is called a Viral Isolation test. It’s more conclusive than the test done at the vet’s office, which can read false positive 50% of the time. I’m currently waiting for the vets office to contact me with a price, and I’m hoping it’s something affordable. I won’t divulge what I already spent getting this girl vetted already.

She’s incredibly sweet. A little odd for a feral cat, and I do think she’s a born feral, but her behavior shows otherwise. Anyway, it really doesn’t matter, because nothing can be done about that. She is currently in my upstairs bathroom. I have to keep her away from my gang, because not only are they all free of this disease, since they are indoor cats they have never been vaccinated for it, because there was no need for them to be.

Last night, I just lost it. I sat in the bathroom with her, saying a couple prayers over her, some I had found online for sick animals. She’s so incredibly thin. I don’t even want to describe just how thin she is. Yet she is starved for contact. She allowed me to hold her, she looked at me, meowed, reached out her paws and touched my face and licked my tears. This little cat has come in and out of my life so many times these past 5 months. I have to think there is a reason for that. I want to think it’s because I’m the one who can help her. I don’t want to believe I’m the one she is to die with, not now. In 15 or 20 years okay, but not now. I hold out hope. I am grasping at the final straws with dear life and with a desperation I have never felt before. Something good has to happen, it has to, it just does.

I’m angry that she didn’t allow me to catch her sooner because she may not have been this sick. I’m angry that I don’t have a large enough apartment that I can keep another cat comfortably and indefinitely away from the others. I’m angry at the irresponsible humans that allowed her to be born. And I’m angry because I don’t have the power to make her well, if she truly is stricken with this. I’ve emailed and called several organizations, only to be told they cannot help me and take her in. So if she is indeed ill, I don’t want to think about what I may have to do.

I have so many supportive friends online. I’m lucky for that. To have a place where you can just let go of everything to people who understand is priceless. But, I wish I had that in real life. In real life, I do not have the understanding or support for this kind of thing and I need that so badly now. I need a shoulder to cry on and arms to wrap around me to tell me it’s going to be okay.

Keep this girl in your thoughts and prayers. She need a miracle very badly.

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