Alone on the long road.

 

Sunday afternoon, and I sit pondering of what will come next. It’s no surprise to anyone who knows me that I live in a constant state of worry. At this point, it’s second nature to me. I cannot control it, I don’t really know how. I know this I a mental state. I know that there are things you can do to keep the worry at bay, but even when I try to take my mind off of what is worrying me, I always, inevitably go back to the comfortable place, of worry. I say comfortable, it really isn’t that. It’s painful, it’s annoying and it is like a drop of water in a constantly overflowing glass.

 

I am alone. I have family, I have friends, but I am alone. I live alone, with my pets, and the few friends I have in town are all married, have kids, and their lives are moving alone at a steady pace. I sit here alone. I have not been in a relationship for a little over ten years. The one relationship I was in really wasn’t fulfilling to me. After five years I ended it, knowing that it wasn’t right for me, and while at the time it began it was what I needed, as the years went by, I realized I wanted more, so I ended it.

 

I had one boyfriend that I lived with when I was 22 years old. That ended just before I turned 25, and it ended badly. I have never really had anyone in my life in that way again. And even that relationship was a struggle. I was the one working, I was the one keeping things going, trying, paying the bills and just barely making ends meet. I don’t want that again.

 

So hear I sit, at times feeling numb inside. If it wasn’t for worry, would I even feel anything? I have small bits of happy here and there. I do love my pets. It is because of them that I wake up and get out of bed some mornings. It is because of them that I just keep moving alone, hoping for things to finally “get better.” I know, I am not the only one in this “funk.” But, it’s my funk, and it hurts, and it’s been where I have made my home for way too long.

 

When I was younger, I wanted to find someone to fall in love with. Someone to marry, buy a home with, have children with. That never happened. It was only when I turned forty that I realized, children would never happen. I still thought maybe they would, but after forty-five I really knew it would never happen, and while I don’t think I really wanted kids, I still wanted them, if that makes sense. Be it because society expected it of me, or because of some part of me just wanted to have a child so that I would no longer have to be alone.

 

I have a sadness inside my soul, I cannot explain fully. I don’t even want to try. I put the mask on daily, and I keep moving forward, in the hopes that the sadness will quiet down, go away, leave me to better things. But then, I sit and realize, I’ve been moving forward for more years than I care to admit here, and still the sadness won’t go away.

 

I see myself, in this dream, in a house. With a small yard, my cats happy, healthy. My dog sitting quietly in the sun, as I sit on the couch drawing, waiting for my love to serve me some tea. It is a dream I am afraid it will never happen, I truly do. And I hate admitting that, because in the back of my mind, I fear that admitting it, will make it a reality. The reality I am living in now.

 

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4 thoughts on “Alone on the long road.

  1. *HUGS* I hear you, and I am similar in many ways. We just go on doing the best we can.

    Have you found a new place to live yet?

    Like

    • My friend, I think if you often. I hope you are doing well. I know you understand what I am going through.

      I haven’t found a place, but I haven’t been looking to hard. I need money to get into any new place, to rent. Usually the first, last and security, and I have zero right now. This just blind-sided me. I had planned on saving money until the end of the year, and then starting 2015 looking for a new place to live. Now I fell an added pressure. Yes, the condo may sit there listed for several months, or years, but it could also pique someone’s interest and sell within a few months.

      I have been keeping an eye out for houses for rent. I really need more room, and houses are expensive to rent! I’m sort of stuck between a rock and a hard place. Another condo/apt is hard to find since I have pets, and not many places will take pets. But then houses are expensive.

      I’m just praying that I am able to stay there so I can follow through with my original plan. I can have time to repair my credit a little bit and maybe at the beginning of the year instead of looking for a place to just rent, I can actually buy a little house for me and the furries.

      Like

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